New Year

I have always heard that the older you get, the more time flies. Before, I always thought that this was just a big hoax that older people whined about. Now I am getting older, and all I can say now is that they were not lying!!!! It is already well into the year; I swear I blinked on January 1st and when I opened my eyes, it was February. How in the world did that happen? There is a fresh wind blowing this year that I can feel in my bones. This has been the decade from Hell, but it finaly seems as if the tide has changed. For the first time in so long, I feel really good about this year and the place I am in in life. It isn't always ideal or easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I am fully expecting great things to happen, and I can't wait to see what God will pull out of the hat. It was so fitting to toast the new year in this year with a party.There is so much to celebrate. I am in my second semester of school, and I absolutely love it. It is exhausting, but I am so thankful and love learning everything I can in every class. God has blessed me with some awesome new friends this past year, and I have reconnected with old ones. I am reconnecting with part of my family one person at a time. Of coarse it will never be like it used to be for good reason, but I have great hope for the future and that someday we will all find a way to be in each other's lives again. A big step has been going back to church again, which I am loving. I officially joined my new church two weeks ago, and I know it is going to be one of the highlights of this year.More importantly, I can finally see how God has used all these circumstances to mold and change me,looking back at myself I see a very shallow,selfish girl. I am trying to strive to never be her again. I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, and my new motto is to face every new problem and challenge head on with an attitide of , ''Let's do this''. God is amazing, and I know now that there is nothing me and Him can't handle together. The best things in life really are free, and based on that, life really can't get any better than this. Happy New Year!

A lady I really admired passed away this past Sunday. Considering this is a public site, I am not saying her name due to privacy reasons. Her funeral was today, and it only seeming fitting that even the skies were crying for her. This woman truly was one of the most inspirational women I have ever know.She truly was a shining light to all her knew her, and myself, as well as many others, will truly miss her. Her life was characterized by such passion and purpose. Even at the very end, she remained focused on the important things in her life. I am so thankful to have known her and when I do finally breathe my last breath, hopefully a looooooooong time from now, I hope I will have finished as well as she did.
A long time ago, I wrote out the mission statement of my life. At first glance, I know how cheesy that must sound. A few years ago, I would have laughed at myself, in fact. But I firmly believe that life is too important to not live on purpose. And tonight I am regrouping and clarifying again the principles I want to live my life by and count for.


1. Family is the most important thing. For the people who know me best, at least part of my family and my relationship with them is described at best complicated. However, for better or worse, I love them all with all my heart. I love the quote in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, when Paul basically says it like it is. '' The thing that makes us family is that we can believe, sometimes against all odds, in the best in each other. To me that basically sums up how I feel in one quote. I think you always take care of your family, even when they don't always deserve it no questions asked. I want to be the daughter, grandaughter, cousin, niece, etc, that will drop everything if a family member is in trouble to help without question. I want them to always know how much I care about them.

2. I want to give nothing less than my very best! I think anything worth doing is worth doing right.In everything I do, I want to strive to give 110% and accept nothing less than my very best. To me, anything short of that is just not acceptable. I also thinks this expands into becoming the best person you can possibly be. I always want to strive to use all my abilities and opportunities as fully as I can. One day, I want to be able to tell God that I used everything He gave me. Honestly, I think being your best self really just translates into making a lot of hard choices that are not always instantly rewarding but for your greater good and well being on down the road.

3. I want to make it a point to do one thing a day that scares me. By this, I don't mean something dangerous but something out of my comfort zone. I am a naturally shy person, and this is an area I am always trying to push myself in. I want to always keep the focus off myself and onto others by continually pushing myself by saying hello to someone new or striking up a conversation with someone I've been wanting to get to know. I want to strive to not be so selfish and put others needs before my own.

4. I want to do something once a day that is just incredibly fun! A few years ago, I realized that I had forgotten to have fun, the kind of fun that leaves you just so giddy and in the moment that you lose all track of time for a few minutes. I want to always make time to do that every day, whether it is taking a spontaneous run though the spinklers in a park, jumping in a leaf pile, or having one of those deep belly laughs with a friend that has you gasping for breath and holding yours sides.

5. I want to always check my motives before I do something or make a big decision . I deceided a long time ago that I would never make a deceision because I felt pressured, bullied, or becuase everyone else was doing it, whatever it is. I try to always check my motives and ask myself the hard questions. Why am I really doing this? I don't always follow my own advice and usually end up making choices I regret. But this is something I try to always strive for.

6. Communication is the way to go. I wholeheartedly believe that you should never say anything about someone that you would not say to their face. People would spare themselves so much heartache if they were just honest about what they were thinking and feeling. I want to always be the type of people that what you see is what you get. And I expect people to be the same way with me. If I have offended you or hurt your feeling, please just tell it to me straight.I want to always be as real and authentic as possible.

7. I want to be the best friend I can possibly be. My goal is to always be a loyal friend. I think when you have a true friendship with someone, that it is not based on their actions or choices. I want to strive to be the friend that will be in it for the long haul. Someone you can call at 3 AM if you are in trouble or just need to chat.

8. I want to trust in God completely and continue to grow in my relationship with Him. This is a very personal area, and one I take very seriously. I am just now learning so many things, and I want to keep growing in this area. I am thankful that God can see the big picture even when I can't.Usually, when something dosen't turn out, it is because God had something so much better than I could imagine in mind. I make a ton of mistakes, but I want to always keep trying.

And so there you have it. These are basically '' the rules'' I live my life by. Summing it all up, I basically just want to always live in the moment, enjoying each experience and person God puts in my life.I want the people in my life to know how much I care about them and for their lives to be better for knowing me. I want to always give everything my very best and make the most of the opportunites that come my way.

This is my mission statement for my life. Hopefully, this will continue to help me keep things in perspective and focus on the important things in life. I'm sure this will change as I grow and have new experiences such as marriage or motherhood. But in the meantime, even I'm having a horrible week at work , I can still remember that that is okay, becuase my life is really not about that.It is amazing what a little perspective can do.

When I looked at the calendar today , I realized my father's birthday is in less than a month. Considering that we are estranged, this truly was an odd occurence for me except for one thing. His birthday always brings to my mind not himself but another person who in a roundabout way was and is a key player in my existence. I have never met her, but every time I pick up a paintbrush or wonder through an art museum, I almost automatically think of her. My father was adopted from Germany, and the person I am thinking of is his birth mother. Everything I know about her fits very nicely on a square piece of paper otherwise known as a birth certificate. Her name was Ingred Kirmis, and she was sixteen years old when she had my father. An open and shut story, just a teenager who got knocked up. This is what I had thought for most of my life and honestly never gave it much thought. When I was thirteen, I went to Germany with some of my family. We visited Erlangen, my father's birthplace, and I got to visit the hospital where he was born. Another stop included the orphange where my father was placed immediately after his birth. His birth was at a Catholic hospital, and he was placed in a Catholic orphanage afterword. As more pieces began to fit into the puzzle, I began to realize how niave I truly was. I have been told that forty years ago in Germany, to be a pregnant teen meant you were almost always never allowed to keep your baby. That at that age, you were considered an unfit parent. As an educated guess, I am also estimating that she may have been sent to an unwed mother's home due to the high Catholic influence surrounding his birth. And this is always where the questions begin..... Was she Catholic? Did she have a family or was she an orphan? At thirteen, I gazed around that cold hospital hallway, and tried to imagine what it must have been like giving birth at sixteen. Was she afraid? Was her mother with her? Was someone there to hold her hand during labor or was she alone? I have often wondered if she ever got to see my father or hold him. If he was taken away immediately after birth before she ever saw him? When I was younger, I used to think that she probably forgot and got on with her life. But now that I am a little wiser, I realize that you can't carry a child around in your body for nine months and just forget. As I walked around the sidewalk of the orphanage staring at a stature of a nun holding a child, I pondered if she had ever walked down this same sidewalk hoping to catch a glimpse of my father playing. Somehow, as I'm typing these words, I think I already know the answer. Around his birthday, I often wonder if she still thinks about him just like I think about her. So many people have told me I don't want to know.That this situation is a can of worms that should never be opened. My father was mean as Hell ( yes folks, for all of you wondering this is apparently hereditary. I come by my meaness honestly.) , and there is no telling how she is. But then I remember how many people have judged me over the years by his actions, and I just know there is more to her story than that. The one thread bonding my father and I is our love for art. He is an artist, and I like to think that I am as well most of the time. He can draw figures that I can only dream about. I love to create acrylic paintings. This is one ability that I just know beyond a shadow of a doubt I got from him and his genetics. I am thankful that I have this one positive thing to be able to tell my kids about their grandfather. And so, I continue to ponder. This is why when I am strolling through the Montgomery Museum of Fine Arts, or when I step back to critique a painting I am working on, my thoughts always turn to her. Is she an artist as well? Does she like to browse museums on a lazy, fall day like I do? There are so questions that I know may never be answered. I am sure that she has a whole new life and a family that may or may not know about her first child so long ago. This thought makes me happy, and I hope that somewhere, it really is true. I like to think sometimes that though she will likely never know I exist, I was probably her first grandchild, or at the very least close to it. I know this will sound strange coming from someone so pro choice. Wherever she is, I pray every year around my dad's birthday that God will bless her with much health,joy, and happiness. And somehow I hope she knows how brave she really is. Without her choice, I would not exist or if I did, it would likely not be in this country with so many opportunites. And so again, I pray that somehow she will know how thankful I am for her choice of life and well, for everything.

The case of the Missing Print Cartridges

Something spooky is going on around here! Earlier this week, I realized that the cartridges on the computer printer were out of ink. It was kind of an inconvience to go without them all week, but you do what you can. Yesterday morning, I had to run some errands including replacing the print cartridges. Since I'm in school, it's really important that I print assignments and notes before they are replaced by this coming week's current ones. I deceided the best thing to do would be just to get the cartridges and take them with me. That way, I would be sure not to get the wrong ones. I opened the printer, and they were gone! I stared at it for like fifteen minutes, hoping they would somehow magically reappear. The results were still the same. I am 150% sure I never touched them. My mother was 150% sure she never touched them. So the question is, who did? Although that is a serious accusation to make, I think I know who did. Those who know me really well are probably guessing the same as well. Tonight, I finally replaced them and went back to put them in. The old print cartridges were back in! I stared for another fifteen minutes, only this time because I was in shock. They were back in! The only explanation I could think of was this person came back into the house while my mother and I were out to put them back in. But why? And out of everything in the house, the print cartridges? I just couldn't help but laugh. I'm thinking about taking the old ones along with a note and leaving them on the doorstep next door with a note. '' If you wanted these cartridges to recycle them, you could have just asked. I would have given them to you. There are definitely some interesting characters around here, but they help make life interesting.

Getting Older

I am starting to feel the subtle vibe that I am out of the loop. I am suspicious that this is due to the fact that I'm getting older. This feeling began a few weeks at my work when a little boy and his mom came in the store. He was absoluely cute as a button, and I just wanted to reach down and pinch his cheeks ( geez, maybe I am getting old) Did I actually just type pinch his cheeks? Anyway, he needed a New King James Bible for school, so I took him over to the Bible wall to pick one out. He told me he is going to Alabama Christian Academy and will be in the second grade. I told him that I myself had gone to ACA in the second grade, and I remembered his teacher. She worked there when I was in school.I just stood there with this big smile on my face quite pleased with myself for being able to identify with him. The kid just stood there with his mouth hanging open and after a long pause said, And she still works there . He looked shocked, and, I suddenly remembered that to a little kid, I must look ancient at the ripe age of 23. The only one having a harder time was the boy's mother, whose face turned bright red and suddenly remembered an urgent appointment she had to run too. Am I suprised that the woman is still there and has not retired, well, maybe, but it's still the principle of the thing. Who am I really kidding, of coarse to an 7 year old, I look ancient. I'm old enough to be the kid's mother!

College

I have been though an interesting transition this past week. Somehow, in the last few days, I have metamophed from a working career woman to a working career woman/college student. College student - the words still sound strange rolling off my tongue. I am completely estatic about this new bend in the road, and the only suprise has been how easily I have slipped in to this new role. It's been like slipping on cashmere, winter coat. As you wrap the soft smoothness of the fabric around you, you can't help but think that it feels so perfect and right. That you were born to wear this coat ; that this coat had just been waiting on that cluttered rack for you to arrive and find it. Starting college has felt so perfect and right. I feel like I have finally found something that fits me like a glove. I am so excited about progressing toward a degree in communications at Moody. After four years and several dead ends, I feel that I am embarking on the beginning of a journey toward what I was born to do.